Sordid Stories I’ve Told My Children

Watch Out For The Ooof! (Sordid Stories #2)

Apr 9th

Posted by JB in Sordid Stories I've Told My Children

3 comments

“Pirate Omar” is a recurring character in my daughter’s favorite story requests. He’s basically a happy-go-lucky, friendly, adventurous pirate who sleeps in his own bed (on his pirate ship, of course) all night long.

This particular story has only been told to my 2 year old son once. And yet he repeats the fun part every chance he gets.

Watch Out For The Ooof!

Once upon a time, Pirate Omar wanted to see if he could sail all the way across the ocean to the clouds far, far away.

He sailed all day and all night, and all the next day. After all that sailing he was very tired, so he went to sleep in his bed.

The next morning he woke up when he heard a sailor yell “Watch out for the Oof!”.

Pirate Omar sat straight up in his bed, curious about the funny thing the sailor said.

“Watch out for the Oof!”, he heard another sailor shout.

Pirate Omar jumped out of bed, ran up onto the deck and looked around. Everywhere was foggy and gray. He couldn’t see very much – they must have reached the clouds!

Just then, another sailor called out, “Pirate Omar! Watch out for the”

OOOF!*

A big fluffy cloud had bonked right into Pirate Omar’s head and knocked him right down. He slept all day and all night again.

  • “OOOF!” is only fully appreciated when you whack your sleepy child in the head with a pillow. At which point they’re no longer sleepy.
  • The first time you tell this story, it’s better to hit yourself with the pillow… hitting an unsuspecting, sleepy child might be considered abuse. It’ll certainly incite crying. Subsequent retellings are fair game for whacking children.

A Bunch of Monkeys (Sordid Stories #1)

Jan 25th

Posted by JB in Sordid Stories I've Told My Children

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I’m easily entertained, and (I think) creative about the stories my son and daughter get when they ask for a story before bed. So I’m storing some of them for recycling on my grandkids someday.

My wife laid out a few rules about bedtime stories I try to adhere to… in my own way.

  1. Bedtime stories must be short.
  2. Bedtime stories are quiet.
  3. Bedtime stories aren’t exciting, and involve the protaganist sleeping all night long in their own bed.

1 out of 3 isn’t bad.

Pink Baby and a Bunch Of Monkeys:

Once upon a time, Pink Baby* was hanging out in the jungle, up in a tree.

And a bunch of monkeys came by!

The monkeys were eating coconuts, and Pink Baby started crying.

“Wah, wah wah! I want a coconut! Wah wah wah!” It was really quite annoying.

Of course, the monkeys didn’t understand Pink Baby. So she cried and cried, while they sat around, passing each other coconuts to eat, chattering loudly and watching her cry.

Finally, a nice, pretty Momma-monkey came over to Pink Baby, and picked her up. Pink Baby stopped crying as the gentle Momma-monkey looked softly in her eyes, like she wanted to help Pink Baby.

WHACK!* The Momma-monkey bonked Pink Baby on the head, and Pink Baby slept for 3* days.

  • Pink Baby is my daughter’s 2nd or 3rd favorite doll. She’s not as desirable as Sally or “Baby of my baby”, but this story has made her famous around bedtime.
  • “Whack!” was accompanied by Daddy head-butting Pink Baby unexpectedly. Note: laughing children are hard to get to sleep. Children who imitate Daddy get headaches.
  • When my daughter retells this story, 3 days seems too short. So she substitutes 49.