Winter Olympics I’d Watch

I’ve spent a total of about 18 minutes watching the Olympics this year. It’s boring as hell. There are two major problems that I can think of that keep me from getting interested.

1. They focus on the winners.
Sure, I’m happy when Shani Davis wins, that’s great. But not interesting. I want more focus on the losers, who trained hard enough to get here, but made some mental error, or simply pissed off fate, and took a header down the mountain-side on international tv. Scott Adams, the cartoonist behind Dilbert captures the same interest: Olympic Swearing.

2. Not Enough Beer.
Not a lack of beer in the stands, or at the party itself – I’m talking about sports you’d want to sit down and watch with a beer. Or sports you’d only conceive of after quite a bit of beer. Hockey comes closest, but America’s spoiled, whiny, effort-less (no, literally: without effort) team is entirely uninspiring.

How about some of these suggestions:

  • Pop-up Obstacle Luge: “Darius Itvilnik of Poland was on world-record-setting pace until the third turn, having narrowly dodged the pendulum, but he never saw that moose-butt coming. He can still breathe on his own, but he’s up to his neck in moose. Doctors say he might be extricated by tonight’s semi-finals. Thank God this wasn’t the Skeleton event.”
  • Full Contact Downhill Skiing: You can bring along whatever you can carry. Hockey sticks, baseball bats, whatever. Wear a helmet kids, and don’t bunch up, or you’ll never get rid of that limp.
  • Simultaneous Pairs Figure Skating: Big deal, you can do jumps and spins on skates. How good are you while your opponents can choose to knock you down? Tonya Harding’s career ended too soon.
  • Hockey at the college level: Already-have-it-made Pro players have nothing to play for. College level players without recruiting deals already inked could play for their chance at a Pro career.

Add some of that, and I’d watch.

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